Whole Hearted Parenting - Guest Blog

Posted on 03/22/2011 @ 11:13 AM

Parenting is a Journey 
Maggie Macaulay, MS Ed.
President, Whole Hearted Parenting
(954) 483-8021 or maggie_macaulay@msn.com.

When you become a parent, you bring years of life experience to your new role. You bring beliefs about yourself, about children, and about families. You bring a set of skills for building and maintaining relationships. You bring memories of your family of origin and maybe a few “I’ll never do THAT” thoughts about your own parents. The funny thing is that many of us end up doing THAT! You may also feel frustrated and discouraged when your set of skills doesn’t seem large enough to handle a whining child or broad enough to encompass a power struggling teen. Your set of life skills may not include these tools until you become a parent and search for them. Parent training is not a part of your formal education and your children don’t come with manuals. Fortunately, when what you are doing doesn’t work or doesn’t feel comfortable, you can learn to parent in a new way. Parenting is a journey.

The first step in this journey to parent in a new way is gathering information. The information -- such as recognizing a power struggle, identifying sibling rivalry, and knowing what to expect at each developmental stage a child enters – permits you to look at your child’s behavior in a much more detached manner. It allows you to become more responsive and less reactive. You can step back, observe and plan.

 You can gather this information in a variety of ways:

 • You can read. There are wonderful books available on parenting, families, and child development. Redirecting Children’s Behavior by Kathryn Kvols will help you assess your child’s behavior and apply the most effective redirect whether your child is seeking undue attention, power struggling or in revenge. Between Parent and Child, a classic by Haim Ginott, has been in print for thirty-five years and remains a solid resource. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is based on the work of Ginott and is packed with helpful tools for better communication.

• You can check Internet websites. The International Network for Children and Families, www.INCAF.com, is the umbrella organization for all instructors of Redirecting Children’s Behavior™. You will find articles and video at the website along with a link to INCAF’s blog and list of instructors. Wendy Mogel is the author of Blessing of a Skinned Knee and Blessing of a B Minus, and at her website, www.wendymogel.com, you will find articles, columns, podcasts as well as reader’s guides for those wishing to have a discussion group on one of Ms. Mogel’s books. Dr. Becky Bailey, who developed Conscious Discipline, has articles and resources at www.lovingguidance.com. You will find video, articles, podcasts, blog, a free weekly newsletter and other resources at www.WholeHeartedParenting.com.

• You can take a parenting course. Check your local parenting magazine for listings of courses in your area. Check with community colleges, your child’s school, and your place of worship. For a list of Redirecting Children’s Behavior™ instructors around the country, check www.INCAF.com. A parenting course can be transformational.

The second step in your journey involves a shift in focus. When you are in conflict or having a problem, your focus is on what you don’t want. You tend to focus on what your children are doing “wrong.” What you focus on is what you tend to get, so if your focus is on misbehavior, you are going to get more misbehavior. A shift in your focus to what you want your children to do and to what they are doing well will bring you more cooperation. A shift from focusing on the problem to focusing on what you want to happen will move you forward. A shift from focusing on what your children are doing to what you are doing will put you in the driver’s seat. When you shift what you are doing as a parent, the entire family will feel the results.

The third step in your journey is staying in the conversation. Find like-minded parents to talk with. Attend workshops. Get coaching. Making a shift in your parenting is like learning a new language. The more you are around others who speak the same language, the more easily and quickly you will become conversational. It is a practice.

Your children may launch you on this journey of discovery. Through the challenges, your desire to create a loving, supportive family keeps you on it. As Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Your journey makes all of the difference in the world to your children.