Building families
By JOANNE LOPEZ
Joanne Lopez and her husband Raul are the parents of three children – Raquel, a senior at the University of North Florida; Marielena, a freshman at the University of Central Florida, and Raul, a freshman at Killian Senior High in Miami. The family’s dinner table conversations grew into an idea that could work for other families. She writes about it here, but you can find more information about this at www.todayistore.com. Or you can e mail her at joanne@todayistore.com. “Today I” was recently awarded a “seal of approval” from The National Parenting Center.
Back to the Table
5 Steps to Creating Successful Family Dinners!
Most of the family time I remember growing up was sitting around the dinner table - or planning to get there! This is what happens when you are Italian-American and have parents who enjoy cooking and eating a great meal. We were four children and later five when my youngest brother came along when I was 18.
We were lucky – my mother is an amazing cook who always enjoyed trying new recipes and new foods. My father was what you would now call “The Grill Master” and also creative in the kitchen. So dinner was something you would always look forward to.
My three brothers at the time and my parents ate “family style” around that table for as long as I can remember. My parents at both ends, my brothers and I in the same place every night, often joined by friends. Everyone was welcome. My mom was an expert at stretching whatever she had made to feed whoever was in our house at dinner time.
We ate, shared, celebrated, learned, fought, made-up. We talked about sports, school, friends, situations where we needed help, our plans for the weekend, work and even about what was for dinner tomorrow night. We also complained about all the above, and the phone we could not answer (back then there were no answering machines, call waiting, caller ID or cell phones), who would get the phone once dinner was over, the programs we were missing on TV (no DVR back then either!) and more.
Most of all, I remember the ritual. One of us would make the salad, one would set the table, one would put ice and water in the glasses, and so on. Ultimately, it wasn’t about the food, but rather about being together. It was a place where my father constantly reminded us of our heritage -- that you always protect your family and stick together. A place where you learned about life and much more. I did not realize how important this ritual was to me, until I had a family of my own. I also realized that this ritual is hard to maintain. Parents working, children’s activities, and homework – how do you find the time? How do you create that family atmosphere? How do you convince everyone that disconnecting from this fast-paced world and taking the time to share a meal together will bring you rewards much greater than the effort?
Research shows that families who make the commitment to share four or more meals together weekly can reap many benefits. Those include better grades for all ages, along with decreased use and smarter decisions when faced with the peer pressure of drugs, alcohol and tobacco use. A new study also shows that families who eat together learn to make healthier choices in the long run.
So the goal: Of the 21 meals per week we eat, share four or more as a family.
First Step – Make the commitment
If your family typically eats scattered throughout the house and at different times – decide on four meals that can work for everyone to be together. Dinner, would be best, but breakfast or lunch count, too. Find out what works for your family.
Breakfasts were big at my home growing up on the weekend. In my own family many weekend mornings are made special by going to our favorite bagel shop and bringing home fresh bagels and everything to put on them. This strategy also works well to get the tired teens and any sleepover guests out of bed.
The only rule is this: No electronics for both parents and children. This is about being together and sharing, not just being in the same area.
Second Step:
Plan your meals I like to plan our meals for a week; if lucky and organized, I can plan for two weeks. Some of my friends actually can plan for the month – they are my heroes.
Ask your family, “What do you want for dinner this week?” That gives you a better chance of everyone eating and liking what is for dinner.
Remember, eating together does not mean “home cooked”; it just means being together. For example, you might sometimes order pizza or pick up Chinese. It’s not the food anywhere near as much as it is the time together.
Dinner might be at a restaurant. I always kept a small backpack filled with travel games in the car. This bag often provided lots of entertainment while waiting for our table. The bag has cards, Uno, Pickup Sticks, Connect Four, Mastermind, Yahtzee, paper and more. The bag, now 18 years old, still gets used!
Third step:
Recruit help in the kitchen
Kids make great helpers – mine liked to make meatballs, burgers anything that used their hands. They are good at shaking the spices, dumping measured items into a bowl, stirring and so forth. As a child, my personal favor was to help make the bread crumbs and bread the meat I love the smell of olive oil, garlic, grated fresh parmesan and the aroma once you crush the dried herbs. (In fact, I still love this.)
Start when your children are young. Preschoolers love to stand on a chair and play in the sink and pretend they are washing dishes. (Unfortunately they outgrow this rather quickly when the dishwashing is for real!) Children become used to being with you during the time the meal is being prepared. Use this time to talk about the day. This habit eventually turns into homework at the dinner table or in the kitchen while you make dinner.
As they grow, let them do things they like. My son Raul is always up for chopping veggies or cutting fruit. Young people who help prepare the meal have a higher chance of eating it or trying new things. My daughter Marielena, always reluctant to try new foods, often will try something if she has helped prepare it.
Fourth Step:
Make meal time fun
One summer, my children cooked dinner – one night per week. It was fun and a great learning experience. Each had a budget. They looked for recipes online and in cookbooks and learned they could make something besides eggs and grilled cheese – indeed, items that did not come out of a package and have to go straight in the microwave. Consequently, salmon in maple syrup, burgers stuffed with mozzarella and chicken kabobs have become favorites at our home.
Have a “picnic” or “tapas” night. (This is code for leftovers in our home.) A little of this, a little of that. We clean out the fridge, putting everything on small plates. I often add such as deviled eggs, pickle spears, rolled up lunchmeat and crackers. Be creative and have your children help. Play a game to decide who picks what they want first – rock, scissors, paper works great, or whoever chooses the highest card. It’s an awesome strategy on grocery-shopping days.
Fifth Step:
Keep it simple Family dinners do not have to be a many-course affair. It is simply about being together in a way that works for your family. The effort you put into pulling everyone together for a meal is rewarded many times over. Life is so much about everyday moments; the dinner table can be a great place to share those moments.
Most meals will go forgotten. But the lessons you teach including manners, the stories shared, the problems solved, the laughter, the memory of time spent together go on forever.
If asked, most children do not care what is for dinner as much as they want you and your time.
Dinner Table Games So what happens when you sit down to dinner and ask, “How was your day?” and all you get back is, “Fine”?
One thing we did with our children was go around the table and everyone had to share the Best/Worst part of their day. Some families call this High/Low or Roses/Thorns. It reminds everyone that good things happened to them today and helps to solve challenges.
That eventually turned into “Today I” -- an affordable tin containing cards with topics to help everyone share their day. The topics include things such as “Today I laughed about _______” and “Today I helped _____” and “Today I laughed about _____.” And “Today I was thankful for ______” and so forth and so on.
All this helps to build a family, and memories that last a lifetime.