The crucial challenge of being a 'good father'
Holly Zwerling, a licensed clinical social worker and a licensed marriage and family therapist, and her husband Len live in Miami and have two grown children – Jared and Margo. She leads the Fatherhood Task Force of South Florida whose mission is to facilitate the involvement of fathers in children’s lives. That task force is holding a “Fatherhood Conference” called “Building Family Success: Keeping Fathers Involved” on Saturday, Oct. 22, from 8:30 a.m.-4 p.m. at the University of Miami. If you want more information or would like to attend, please e mail hollyzwerling@aol.com or call 305-812-4000.
By HOLLY ZWERLING
When we were expecting our first child -- after painfully losing several pregnancies -- I would hear repeatedly what a “good mother” I was going to be. The words were kind, but it struck me that my husband never heard the same for him. There seemed to be no expectation for him to be a “good father” -– just that he’d simply be a father.
As new parents, my husband and I both were anxious, but we had come to value what it meant to be “parent-ready.” We began with the idea that we were both having a baby (we’re pregnant, implying both a physical and emotional experience), and we would share parenting responsibilities just as we had shared other decisions in our lives together. To help develop our identity as new parents and meet other new parents, my husband and I started Having Babies After 30, an organization designed to give fathers a chance to meet other fathers and recognize their importance to parenting and to enable both fathers and mothers increase parenting skills. Even more important, it led to new friends and an impact on how parenting might be shared in the community.
As I saw people react to my husband becoming a new father, and hearing the discussions that took place at our Having Babies After 30 meetings, it became evident that society’s perception of fatherhood has changed rather drastically in the past half-century. Back then, television shows like “Father Knows Best” depicted fathers as pivotal to family life. They were viewed as decision-makers, predictably involved with their family and respected in the community. But over the years since, the expectation of fatherhood has been diminished. Now we see report after report about the negative effects on children from father absence and a lack of responsible and committed fathering that is further accelerated by a lack of funding for fatherhood development.
Hearing fathers say they were the only father who showed up at a parent meeting or they felt saddened when their partners got all the attention after the baby was born -- feeling utterly left out -- I saw that fathers had little space to engage in conversations and reflections about being a parent. This led me to begin “Daddy and Me” classes and expectant-parent classes for fathers and mothers, fathers’ groups where fathers and babies shared outings together and workshops on post-partum depression in men. Many men I met shared fears and uncertainties about being a father, but also recognized how much they benefited from getting information and how important they were in the well-being of their children.
When asked by The Children’s Trust and The Early Childhood Initiative Foundation to present research and organize fathers to demonstrate the need to include fathers in prenatal care and to develop resources for new fathers, I jumped at the opportunity. I invited my “‘local heroes” -- those fathers and father figures whom I had met at parent forums, representing diverse populations in our community -- to come to a meeting. This gathering of men with a fatherhood agenda was long overdue. By the end of the meeting they wanted to meet again. By the end of the second meeting, they had identified a mission to stand behind: Facilitate the involvement of fathers in children's lives. That is our mission at the Fatherhood Task Force of South Florida.
As word has spread, more fathers and father-figures have come forth, reinforcing the importance of fathers to achieve good emotional, social and academic outcomes for all children. Programs, seminars and conferences now bring resources to the community, e.g., fatherhood facilitation groups, fatherhood reading squads, father focus groups and programs on including fathers in agency programs and raising boys/teaching boys. New partnerships have been formed. We have developed a network of agencies that have become energized and challenged to look to fathers as key resources in developing their parenting programs. Fathers are becoming advocates for fatherhood.
I want fathers to be recognized in the same way mothers have been over the years, as having the potential for being good parents with education and support and to have funding agencies make an investment in educating new fathers.
I’m so encouraged by what The Children’s Movement of Florida is doing in our community and across our state because it recognizes the importance of fathers and provides them with opportunities to be involved in their children’s lives. Fathers can make a tremendous difference when their voices are heard in their families, communities and in the legislature. Because, who knows what is on a father’s mind better than a father?
For the sake of the children, no father should stand alone.